DearOne,

  It is NOT NOT NOT your fault that you have bipolar disorder! The illness is telling you that and making you feel that way...You are a sweet, loving and love-able soul..I love you!

((((((((((((Metallee)))))))))) YAY for taking such a BIG step by yourself...Go YOU! Go God! Remember thta go dis with you each and every step of the way!

 I'm sooooo proud of you for the PROGRESS that you ARE making!

  Hang in there Dear One!

  I love you!,

   Jewel

My Prayers are with you!

I'm so proud of you :)

~Tons of love

((((((((((Metallee)))))))))))) Those are the symptoms of depression...I go there too when my meds need worked with...Be kind to yourself!!!!! This too shall pass and eventually YOU WILL FEEL BETTER!

    Love and Prayers,

          Jewel

((((METALEE)))

May the Lord always keep you close to him and bless you with better things...

I am glad you will be getting SSI, and I will keep praying for your medical card too.

[HurtingTruth]

(((((((((((((((Metallee))))))))))) Praying over your medical card..Praying that you continue to feel better!

 MUCH LOVE,

       Jewel

Aww metallee, I will pray for you... I am sorry you are in so much pain.

Peace and blessings

Michelle

((((((((((((9Metallee)))))))))) People who haven't been through bipolar can never truly understand it...God has given us each other for that...You ARE NOT on this journey alone..I AM here with YOU!

    You are NOT a burden - You are the creation and daughter of God!

   PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP- The right meds WILL make a world of difference...It takes time and trial and error to find them- I know it gets frustrating but someday it will have been worth it!

   MUCH LOVE,

        Jewel

((((Metalee)))

You are not a bum and you are not a waste. You are beautiful and Jeweliet is right. You are one of God's most precious gifts. No one ever said this would be easy. You are not alone either. You are not the only one with this kind of illness. It is life altering and turns your whole world upside down. It is a struggle every day until you can find some balance. Nothing is ever perfect Metallee, but sometimes it take the right medicine, or friend, or whatever that may be to really make things more manageable. Whatever you do, I ask that you hang in there. Perhaps finding something you really enjoy that feels like a safe thing to do would be a good start. You could even do it from home and maybe ask your mom if she would like to join in with you. What are your interests? What do you love to do the most?

Just a thought....Peace Metalee

Michelle

((((((((((((((9Metallee)))))))))))) You are NOT worthless...YOU ARE GOD'S PRECIOUS CHILD AND HE LOVES YOU VERY,VERY MUCH!

    You are a person who is struggling with a serious illneess that is NOT her fault...You are a person seeking treatment and trying to get better..for that you are very strong!

   Know that I LOVE YOU DEARLY,

                Jewel

Dear Sweet Metallee,

   I wanted to leave you a note to assure you that you did NOT trigger me!   I promise!

   I am very proud of you for getting your treatment and taking your meds!   I KNOW that you are trying hard to get stable..I know how very hard and scarey all of this can be...Remember I was, where you are. I am at a better place now and you WILL get there to.

  I want to be there to support you on this journey..Feel free to email me at jewelietsparkles@hotmail.com   of you ever want to talk in private.

  It's okay to talk honestly about your suicidal thoughts...Remember they are a lie of the illness!  Our brains get out of whack and we think horrid thoughts because of it..It's NOT the real you...Things WILL get better.

    Know that I am here and that I love you!,

                 Jewel

(((((((((((((((Metallee))))))))))))))) I don't feel that you are on a good med combination- but I am not a doctor..

 I USE to have ALL of the SAME thoughts that you are having...But those thoughts are the LIES of Bipolar illness.....I too got tired and frustrated and hopeless in the process of finding the right doctors and combination of meds...But we can NEVER give up- God has so many GREAT things instore for us..He has PROMISED in HIS WORD!

    You will have a life...You are much stronger than you know- One has to be strong in order to survive bipolar.

    I can not do all of the things that you wish to do...But we must focus on what we can do not on what we can't at this moment...God will enable us to do more and more as time goes on.

   I will pray that you get the medical card and can get a better doctor and therapist!

    Please stay in touch with me as I love you and want to be here to show you support..I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE...Life DOES get MUCH BETTER with the right meds..I PROMISE.

   Let me know how you are today.

   I love you!,

        Jewel

Dear Metallee,

  Thank YOU sooo much for the note and the love!

  I asked about your meds because some meds can cause symptoms...Please call your doctor and tell them what you are experiencing and let me know what meds you are on.

   I'm here and I love you!,

            Jewel

The medicine you are on may be making you have these suicidal thoughts and other side effects.  Tell your doctor immediately!!  You're in my thoughts, hang in there...I've been there and through it all so if I can make it out I know you can too.

~Tons of love

One more thing...never stop taking your medicine or cutting back without medical supervision. All these things should be discussed with your doctor and they can properly adjust everything for you to make sure you don't end up feeling even worse.

[HurtingTruth]

It will be ok Metallee. The fact that you were brave enough to even reach out on here says how strong a person you really are. Some medications can make some people's thought processes all screwy. There are other medications out there to try if need be and the doctor can help you find something else. I would be very specific saying you feel that both of these medications are giving you bad thoughts and are making you feel even more depressed. Ask for a different kind of medication completely. Another thing, make sure you are getting enough rest and eating ok too. It really does make a difference. Make sure you are staying hydrated also. Have they checked your electrolytes and things too? What about hormonal stuff? Seriously, these things can have a big impact on some women too. So, these are just some things to think about. Try to get some fresh air. Listen to some really good music that will put a smile on your face. Meditate or pray even. There are support groups online also.  I listed this site for someone else on MDD, but I think it would really be a good place to join.

http://dailystrength.org/

I will pray that everything will be ok. The light is not far away...just imagine a candle that cannot ever go out...

Peace

Michelle

Yes, that is a spirit of suicide. Things will get better, it might just take a while.

Spiritsfire

Metallee,

You need to call your doctor or have your parents call your doctor on Monday about the Cymbalta. Cymbalta in some people can cause worse depression. Not everyone can handle certain pyschotropic meds (antidpressants, etc.) Sometimes, something that is supposed to work as an antidepressant can make things worse. You are on the verge of having suicidal thoughts, but not having any plans. These thoughts you are having are categorized as passive suicidal ideation if they are recurring over and over again. If it was just a few times that is one thing, if they keep on going then you have every right to be concerned.  So, while you are at this level you need to get extra help. There are crisis lines you can call 24/7 to talk to someone. Here are two websites that have some information.

http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html

http://suicidehotlines.com/

I have a little experience in this things. So, I am offering you the best advice I can. Feel free to post on my diary if you need anything or just want to talk ok...Peace

Michelle

Glad you guys are ok.  I didn't realize there were SO many people from Ohio on here.  I live in Columbus and there's no power where I work for at least 3-7 days.

Metallee, I will say a prayer for you before I hit the hay.

Peace and blessings to you

Hi Metallee...wow, it's been forever.  It's been exactly a year since I last logged in...

Anyway, I will be praying for you.  You will be ok.  Definitely talk it out woth your counselor.  Believe me - I've gone thru some things.  It helps to talk to someone who really listens.  Don't worry abut het judging you, she is there to help you. 

Be blessed!

Seraiah

Hey -
So am I, dear.

Ash

((((((((((((((((9Metallee)))))))))))) It sounds like your meds need tuned up! Be sure to tell your doctor how you are feeling! Keep me posted!

 Love, Hugs and Prayers,

       Jewel

You better do sumfin before the doctors have to amputate your arm, love!

-Jovonnah Rabbit

Probably should see a doctor. I get bitten and scratched all of the time and if I get infected I usually put hydrogen peroxide on the wound, makes it all better but peroxide is pretty harsh and is not for everyone, but it works well.

Spiritsfire

Yeah you should definitely give it back, doesn't sound like it will work out too well anyway and it's probably best for the cat.  Maybe you should get a nice little puppy, they're sweet :)  Lol but I'm definitely a dog person not a cat person.  Good luck though, and I hope your arm and hand heals fast.

~Tons of love

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Metallee))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Yes, getting disability and moving out on your own is a wonderful idea! 

   YOU WILL GET THERE!

  I'm proud of you for getting treatment and taking your meds...You seem soooooooo much better!

   Much Love,

       Jewel

You can learn to count money.  Like before you go shopping, take a certain amount that you want to spend.  Make sure to bring a calculator too.  Round the price of everything you buy to maybe a dollar higher so you are certain you will have enough.  And the thing that will make it easier is to get the money ready before the clerk asks for it so you won't feel pressured to do it quickly.  You can just hand them the money and that will be that.

And bills really aren't a big deal.  Especially once you get the internet you can just do everything online and that would solve that little problem.  And you can always call your bank to check how much money you have at any time so you won't have to worry about that.

I think you could make it on your own.  You would just need a little help getting situated.  But you are smart and competant and I have faith in you :-)

(((((((((((((((((Metallee)))))))))))) I'm soooooooooooooooo very happy to read this entry...so proud of you for sticking with it...so grateful to God for getting you here! YAY to the Heavens!

    Love,

       Jewel

This entry totally made my day.  I was so hoping that the counselor thing would work out, they can really help change your life around for the better.  You deserve every bit of happiness and freedom! 

~Tons of love

Don't give up, girl. Counseling sessions take time. They're taking notes to keep track of how you are doing so they can help you cope with your emotions.

(((((((((((((((((((((Metallee))))))))))) They are trying to give you a proper assessment so that they can be sure to get the right diagnosis...Hang in there Dear One...It will get easier in time..It will help...You really need the meds!

   Much Love and Many Prayers,

               Jewel

(((((((((((((((Metallee)))))))))))) Call  your doctor and tell them about the side-effects...Remember it takes up ot 3 weeks for an anti-depressant to start working!  Hang in there!

   Much Love and Many Prayers!,

             Jewel

_{depression medication takes like four weeks until you will see the effects of it so hang in there. I know I hated the waiting period. I also hated being tired all the time at first, but its something you get used to without even realising it. Read the warnings and all that because there may some weird side effects that come along with the medication and there may be some to watch out for because it could be bad. When I started my new medication, I shook for like 2 weeks, and then it stopped lol.}

I've had some really bad experiences with depression meds, I've been on Welbutrin, Lexapro, and Prozac.  For me the Lexapro worked best and I didn't have too many bad side effects.  I don't know if I'd stick with that medicine if it's going to make you feel so bad, but then again it's probably too early to know because after a while the side effects should go away.  Best of luck to you.

~Tons of love 

((((((((((((((Metallee)))))))))))))))))) Counciling WILL help...It WILL get easier with time...Just tell the truth so they can help you!

  I'm soooooooo very sorry that your mom said that to you!

   Sending you MUCH LOVE,

            Jewel

I can't tell you how many times my family has made me feel like sh*t.  In ways you remind me so much of myself, it's almost like I was reading something I had wrote.  I share in your pain, you're not alone.  Just by reading your entries lets me know that you're a wonderful, kind, and sweet person and far from being worthless.  Maybe if you try the counseling a little longer and give yourself time to get used to it, you'll start to feel better about it?  Or if you're not comfortable with her you could try someone else?  *Hugs*  I'm rooting for you.

~Tons of love   

Don't let you mom and sister bully you into making you feel that you're a horrible person. Because believe me, horrible people don't write diaries. Horrible people don't have the courage to go for counseling. Horrible people don't give their rats away. Horrible people don't cry.
 Look I've got proof. You are NOT a horrible person.
I've just this read this entry of yours and I am convinced that you are a beautiful and unique person. And beautiful and unique people can't take their own lives. Especially because other people said or did horrible things. You're above this crap, my friend. People as rare as you shouldn't commit suicide, for horrible people. They aren't worth the sacrifice.
 Don'y you have a dream? A dream which will make you strong enough to survive all your problems, a dream worth living for? If you don't have a dream, make one. Close you eyes and imagine all the happy things you want to see happen. It can be something as simple as finding true love, to a dream as complicated as ending all the suffering in the world. Your dream can be ANYTHING.
 Then work out how you'll fulfill that dream. Then fulfill your dream.
Dreams are powerful things, my friend. I'm telling you from experience. Last year, I too was on the verge of suicide. But I didn't do it. I remembered my dream. I remembered that I had to live for it. It takes courage and strength to live. Take it from someone who's been through terrible things.
 Love yourself, for being beautiful, unique and special. Love yourself for your dream. Suddenly life will seem different to you. It will make everything worth it. Hang in there.We're all here for you...

Lots of love,
 Maya

P.S- I don't know if you like music, but there's a song by Cake. It's called 'I will survive'. Check it out.

its okay hon:)its hard, and thats expected but ull get through it. and i dont think the medicine is at fault for kims not smiling or laaughing. after all, the purpose is to help you and make sure u laugh and smile and are happy. ur so strong and brave, and ur gonna be fine;)

((((((((((((((((Metallee)))))))))))))))))) Heart Hugs! I KNOW counciling can be hard at first..But it WILL help!

  I'm so happy that you will be getting on meds...They have given me my life back...taken away suicidal thoughts and the pain of depression! I smile alot...I feel joy alot! 

   It sounds like the cousin may be over-medicated!

   I'm praying for you!

   Much Love always,

     Jewel

It's really a pity that a normal doc wouldn't help her. When I went to the emergency room, over a panic attack, the doctors got me in touch with people that deal with mental illnesses; then I stayed in a mental hospital for three days and they started me on some meds. Since then, life has been hell, but I think finally, things are getting better.

With that said, I'm so glad that you are both getting help. The meds will help you, amazingly well. I'm glad that you are talking to someone too; that will help you cope, too. You can't go wrong seeking help. Alot people refuse help, and I think that it's an issue of pride, when people refuse to get the help they need. I'm glad that you are not one of those people. Stick with it and, in time, you will feel better!

(((((((((((((((((Metallee)))))))))))))) I am sooooo proud of you for going in..I have suspected for years that you have bipolar...Things WILL be sooooooo much better once the meds start working.

   I take lamictal, abilify, zoloft and risperdal...The meds have given me back my sanity and saved my life...I am no longer suicidal and I am able to function and to enjoy life and you will be too!

   What meds are they starting you on? Please let me know when you find out!

   I know how nerve-wracking such an appointment can be..You did fine...How are we to know- when we are ill!?! 

    I will be here to show you support and love..KNOW this is a good thing..a beginning to the end of the horrible lows.

   I love you and am praying for you!,

            Jewel

Just stay calm for the little one!  If it gets real bad since the house doesn't have a basement you're supposed to get under some furniture...like a table.  Everything will be ok, breathe :)

~Tons of love

RIGHT! Think logicaly try and make a list of the top five things you need and make it a game to try and find them that will keep the boyo entertained and halp you prepare. Then go put the kettle on and have a cuppa jst keep ur TV or radio on and listen for updates if you think your in danger then yes go to the safest place in the house you can think of.But KEEP CLAM! you can't think straight in a pannic.

scream.

=]

Men don't hit women, sniviling cowerds hit women. A real man would never abuse, in any form, a woman. Only a little, pathectic CHILD would do that.

Spiritsfire

Red flags? Can you say total disrespectful f*cktard?? How about someone getting ahold of his sad sorry excuse for a man and wail on him till he "gets it" that it's not ok to put his hands on others???

Why don't YOU call the cops on that AZZs Tom?? How dare he abuse your sister and in front of that baby!!!! That baby is being tormented and can't protect himself from the abuse... your sister has a choice and clearly she is not being a responsible parent for allowing that abuse around her child... something needs to be done ASAP to get that creep far far away from that innocent baby... your sister should know better... she may not mind the hurt and the bruises, but that baby doesn't deserve to start his life learning that is how people deal with any issues... I wish your family all the best... do something to interject for the sake of that innocent 2 yr old please!!!! YOU may be his only HOPE for a decent childhood... something EVERY child is deserving of.

[Blewmoon]